Codependency is a term that is thrown around quite casually these days, but what does it really mean? Quite simply, codependency pertains to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted to alcohol, drugs or a compulsive behavior like gambling or shopping, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

Because the codependent person in the relationship relies so heavily on the person with the addiction, they tolerate unhealthy and addictive behavior. They do this out of fear that their relationship with the addict will be over if they question or try to eliminate the addictive behavior. By doing this, they enable the addictive behavior and effectively defeat recovery.

Often the codependent feels responsible for the addiction. Maybe they participated in the addictive activity in its early stages by, drinking, using, shopping, gambling, etc. with the addict. Then, as addiction progressed, they may have tolerated the behavior’s increased frequency in order to keep the peace, and to avoid upsetting the addict.

A codependent likely feels that they are capable of saving the addict from their problems by being there for them, loving them, and sympathizing with them, versus confronting them, challenging them, and forcing them to get the outside help they need. When recovery fails, or when they are wronged by the addict, they blame themselves, not the addict.

Just as the addict is addicted to the substance or behavior of abuse, the codependent is addicted to their relationship to the addict. Both are extremely unhealthy. A codependent person does not want to admit or believe that there are any problems with their relationship, because by doing that, they risk losing it. Instead, a codependent person will blatantly ignore dangerous behavior and mistreatment – just to save the relationship.

A codependent person may truly feel that they love the addict. However, by enabling that addiction, they are doing much more harm than good – to both the addict and themselves. It is often recommended that the codependent person seek treatment to learn behavior models that will help them overcome their insecurities and dependency on others and to learn how to effectively cope with their relationship in a healthy way.